Among Middle-School Mean Girls
“OMG, she kissed Jack just to get attention.”
The Backstory: Malicious gossip runs rampant in middle school. “Kids are starting to figure out where they fit in the social pecking order outside the family, and it can be confusing and scary,” says Kennedy-Moore. Gossip is a way to build and strengthen cliques by ganging up on outsiders. Also, having the best dirt raises your status. (And, yes, boys gossip, too, but girls rely more on words as a means of aggression; boys tend to be physical.) “Gathering and controlling the flow of information is how popular girls stay on top," says Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D., a professor of humanities at the Penn State College of Medicine, in Hershey, Pennsylvania. False rumors can be a source of social control: Saying that someone tried to steal your boyfriend can cause the subject to be shut out. It’s all very Lord of the Flies.
How to Deal: Now is not the time to blow off an upset child with a chill “It’s just words.” Acknowledge how painful it is, says McDonald. Listen to your child talk. After she has time to process her emotions, you can add some of your perspective, give hugs, and urge your child not to respond with a blistering counteroffensive. That will probably launch an even uglier rumor war. “Research shows that the more kids get involved in gossiping—initiating or listening—the more they are targeted for gossip,” says Karin Frey, Ph.D., a professor of educational psychology at the University of Washington, in Seattle. Discuss the difference between being popular and being liked. (At this age, the two do not go hand in hand.) Encourage her to focus on her real friends, not where she is on the totem pole at the moment, tough as that may be. When it’s a friend being gossiped about, some kids have the social skills to constructively leap to that friend’s defense, says Frey. Such bravery should be encouraged. But for less confident souls, staying silent or walking away are options, too. “That doesn’t feed the fire,” says Frey. If your own daughter is the popular gossip, try to build up her empathy muscle by asking her to consider how the other girl might feel. Good news: The worst of it tends to abate in high school as kids grow more mature and empathy increases.
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